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The challenge of repairing or enhancing a relationship that seems to be failing is one that frequently causes two people to seek therapy.  Often it starts with an awareness that neither see "eye to eye" on just about anything.  Arguments start to occur more frequently.  Issues that would have seemed trivial when things were going smoothly, seem to expand to massive proportions. The sense of not being heard and not being understood dominates.

While it is not always clear what starts the relationship problems, all combinations of pursuing, defending, and withdrawing eventually seem to take on a life of their own. Usually the source of the the problem is long forgotten and each individual initiates and becomes the victim of the "blame game".  Much of the time, couples therapists find themselves facing two people who are engaged in an outright battle with one another.  Other times the silences can be deafening.  Most of the time, whatever the pattern, there is a great sense of pain expressed by both parties.

After being a therapist for many years, Dr. Johnson really started to be curious about what was at the core of what she was witnessing in the patterns of engagement and disengagement in the couples she was counseling.  She realized that when couples learned how to argue better, examine their childhood issues, or work on sexual intimacy issues it was often not enough to produce lasting change for them.   Instead, Dr. Johnson began to look at the emotional underpinnings of relationships that show that couples are really emotionally attached and dependent on each other in ways that are similar to the attachment of a parent and child. With this in mind she realized that couples in therapy were typically not able to identify and connect what was happening for them at a deeper level, so surface level interventions were bound to be ineffective. 

Trying to improve "communication skills" when deeper issues have been left unresolved explains why just learning to communicate better would not usually result in any lasting change. To get at the deeper issues to help couples heal, Dr. Johnson realized that couples need to be able to become more open, attuned, and responsive to each other.  This approach helps them reestablish emotional connection.  She, and other couples therapists who practice Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) help people by doing the following:

1. Help couples recognize the "Demon Dialogues" which are three basic patterns that exist when someone cannot connect safely with his/her partner.

2. Help couples learn to forgive emotional injuries.

3. Participate in seven healing conversations.

Moving through these steps help couples develop a secure and lasting bond.  The good news is that research has shown that Emotionally Focused Couples therapy is remarkably effective and enduring.  You can't ask for more than that!

To Listen to the interview with Sue Johnson, go to:

Jeffrey Fisher, M.A., RCC is a counsellor in British Columbia. He is also developer of http://therapytalks.net which is part of Absolute Balance Counselling & Consulting Ltd.

Therapytalks is a new website which includes interviews with well respected mental health professionals who are encouraged to use as little "lingo" as possible so that their message can be understood by as many people as possible.

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